All I have now is an imaginary friend that I can talk too. Everything is changing, people losing faith in me, I'm losing everything I have and once cherished. It's as if I have to start all over again.
I have to control my emotions around you with people.
I have to pretend that I do not love you anymore.
We don't have long calls "always" - like we used too.
You don't call, which means you don't really miss me anymore.
Living in denial, & do not love me anymore in just a week.
If I would to tell the truth, I do see smth in the future. But, because of religion - it looks like a small matter to me. To me, these are small matters & it's not for you.
I do not know how much longer do I have to hold this feeling inside me & lie to myself.
Nothing defines me, except you.
Ever had that feeling that in a second, everything just vanishes in your hands, when it is unstoppable and it's out of your control, you just have to let it go?
Well, the best part of me is diminishing just like that. I just can't bare to look at myself in the mirror & tell myself that there is someone out there who thinks that I'm different & special, and now that person is gone. I know I have very low self-esteem. This problem was gone when I had someone so special to me & made me feel like I'm everything in the world.
Now, it's just difficult to go back the way we were.
For me, I rather fight for something that is worth while, then to just let it go & not see the magic happen when it reaches right infront of my eyes. I want to feel special and be loved. But, it's out of my control.
If I can't ever go back the way it was, I want something that I can hold on too, maybe like "No strings attached"? No commitments, no responsibilities, just two very very close friends who are in love who just can't be together.
It's so difficult when I don't mix with people around me anymore & it's difficult. All I can do is cry & trust me, I have more tears than ever before. If things can't be the same, I want to atleast something that I can hold on until I know when it really has to end. It's been so long & we have come this far, I just can't let it go just like that.
I wish I could turn back time & re-create the memories, and rekindle the love I had. The love that I have for myself, my friends, and my family. I'm just not me anymore.
The Mel I know, is diminishing and is slowly corrupting.
Who am I?
It's been a very long time since I was the type of person who is very needy & needs people's company at all times. I just don't know why my mind/body wants to go back the old me when I'm not even use to it. I just wanna be alone, is that very difficult to understand?
It's been such a stressing couple of weeks journey at my home. Everything is like falling apart in my own world. I found my comfort zone, & now all I'm getting is just sorrows & what I do to let it go is just sit on the floor, infront of a blank white wall & just yell to myself. Really. I keep asking myself if I really need to get myself back into therapy counselling? =/
Things at home is being such a bitch, really. People can't even speak to me like I'm a normal human, People is always screwing me for every single "SMALL" detail which didn't even matter. People talkes/text me as if she's elder & fuckin rude sometimes but they do not even notice it. Feels like my life is so effed up. When I tried explaining why I'm like that, all I get is:- "I DONT WANT TO LISTEN" wht the fuck, getting so mad at me for what?
Just to go out & to COLLECT something only, OMFG MUST SCREW ME WTF =,=
I tried getting help "Mel's Therapy" LOL, & my theory was maybe I've been too comfortable being on my own world & only hang out with my old buddies, I suggest to myself that I have to just uopen myself to other people. & after 2 weeks, I CAN'T. I just get soooooo fuckin annoyed. I don't even know what's getting on to me.
I don't really need people to come comfort me or what-so-ever, but when I'm alone right now, I just want to talk to someone, just SOOOOOO badly! But I only rather talk to someone whom I can really trust & hold on too. That's the difficult part.
Getting rejected when I thought it might be smth nice to do together really sucks. Yeah, I know have rejection issues but have yguys considered about what's been going on & maybe I just wanted to hang out just so I could clear my mind? =,=
When I finally burst out stating that I might have a mini-depression, people think I was joking & laughing about it, wht the hell. Seriously. Look at me. I'm like an effin stick & everybody just can't be near me & people are just too embarrased. just so fucked up right now.
Yeah, sure. Okay. I still hold strong to myself as I know God is with me now & he'll help me pull through this crappy feeling I'm going.
This sem break is gonna suck & a fuckin lonely one.
It's a major problem, but I never seem to understand how people can feel this way - so mellow, down and upset, or even angry at something for months, maybe years. It's been about two weeks encounting that I've been having feelings, negative feelings. I'm always angry and upset at the same time. As both these attitudes pose different angle of emotions, I can feel both at the same time. A minute I could be angry, another minute, I could be crying. It really exhaust me from whatever I've planned to do.
Listening to the elderly, thinking I was oppossing to them, really made me even far worse when they think of something so irrealistic about me. Seriously. I know I'm an adult, who knows how to handle my time well & knows when to come home & follows curfews. But heck, I still get screwed & everything I've decided is wrong to them. Until todaty, I'm still doing what they want me to do, instead of what I've been wanting to do. Still not satisfied? This keeps me breatheless and I would rather be drowned.
I thank God I manage to realise this problem & I've been googling and reading articles related to depression. I'm not sure if two weeks is an early stage & safe enough to discover this problem, but heck, I wish this feeling will go away & make me be free-easy-go-lucky person. I hope I do not have the symptoms, but as I assessed myself throughout the symptoms list, I fit them just right, which scares me.
I'm not sure if I should consult a doctor for meds to calm my nerves down, or I should just wait & see for a miracle.
Honestly speaking, I hate labelling myself about this, but it is bothering my blogging time & my other favourite past-time's, which I've not managed to do anything.
I'm sorry to my dearest friends who could not meet up with me. Some days I was away, and some days it just wasn't right for me with my low-self esteem and unlively feeling for that day. But, I hope I did try to pose a smile on my face when I was out with whoever I've been with, yknow who you are, I don't have to mention names.
My dear friends, I just hope you could give me time to recover crappy feeling that I'm going through. I'm not gonna call it depression (:
I just need time.
If there are any suggestions to help me, pls leave a comment, thk you.
Dear Fellow Readers,
How are you?
A thousand apologies for my missing status. There has been a lot going on =/
I know y'all must be thinking I should have just continued where I stopped writing my post in my previous blog (Click HERE) Well, my previous blog is about six-years-old and having 34 000 over pages of my writing and 40 000 over blog hits, put to waste, don't you think? In my opinion, I guts tell me that I should leave my past paint drops and start over a new cycle of life (: Sounds weird, but yeah(!) LOL
From now on, I will be blogging from this main site about what has been happening!
PS: I hope I've not lose my faithful readers.
Till then, stay tune for more updates!
Don't forget to sign my Gustbook! (:
Track Playing:- Celine Dion // A New Day Has Come